Your friend tells you she is exhausted by her job. Within a few seconds you have thought of three things she could do about it. Or your partner comes home irritated, and you hear yourself say, "Well, at least it's almost the weekend." Most of us have stood on both sides of that moment, and neither side felt much like being heard.
In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), this is where empathy comes in. The idea is simple, and in practice it can be surprisingly hard: staying with what the other person feels and needs, without doing anything with it yet.
What is empathy in Nonviolent Communication?
In NVC, empathy is a quality of attention. You listen for the feelings and needs behind the words, and you let the other person know you are trying to understand. That is all. You do not have to agree, you do not have to approve, and you do not have to make the problem go away.
It helps to tell empathy apart from sympathy and from advice. Sympathy says, "I feel sorry for you." Advice says, "Here is what you should do." Empathy sounds more like, "Are you feeling overwhelmed, and wishing you had more clarity about your next steps?" It is usually a guess, and the other person is free to correct it. If you want a closer look at how feelings and needs fit together, start with feelings versus thoughts, and see the four steps of NVC for the wider map.
Why is it so hard to just listen?
Most of us find it challenging to just listen without advising, comforting or agreeing for a good reason: we care. When someone we love is in pain, we feel uncomfortable too, and fixing the problem is a quick way to ease our own discomfort as much as theirs. We think agreeing is loyal and advising seems useful. The trouble is that the person often still has not been heard, so they either defend their situation or quietly stop telling us things.
Slowing down is the skill here. A pause of two or three seconds before you answer is often enough to notice what you are about to do.
What are six typical reactions that are different from empathy?
These are common habits, and they are not wrong. They are just different form how we offer empathy in NVC.
Advising
"You should talk to your manager." Try instead: "Are you wishing for more support at work?" If you do have ideas, ask first: "Would you like suggestions, or would you rather I just listen?"
Comforting
"Don't worry, it will all work out." Try instead: "It sounds like you are really worried and you would like some reassurance." Comfort that arrives too early can tell the other person their feelings are a problem.
Educating
"You know everything happens for a reason." Try instead: "Are you confused and really wanting to understand why it happened?" Educating doesn't usually land unless asked for. Try staying with their experience.
Interrogating
"When did this start? " How long has it been going on?" Why didn't you say anything?" Try instead: "Are you feeling upset and wanting to be understood?" Questions can be useful later, once the person feels connected to you.
Correcting
"That is not what happened. He only said..." Try instead: "Did you feel hurt because you would like more care in how people talk to you?" Your version of events is allowed to exist. It just does not need to arrive first.
Your own Story
"That reminds me of the time I had a fight with my mom..." Try instead: "Are you really upset about the fight with your mom and hoping to reach a place of more compassionate for her?" Our own stories can be very nourishing for someone to hear, usually after they have shared theirs and gotten some empathy for it.
What does empathy sound like in everyday life?
Imagine your daughter comes home and says, "Nobody wants to play with me at school." The quick reply is, "I'm sure that's not true." It is meant to be kind, and it closes the conversation. An empathic reply might be, "Sounds like you felt lonely today. Would you have liked someone to play with?" She may say yes. She may say, "Not really, I was mostly annoyed." Either answer tells you something, and a wrong guess does no harm. It simply helps her find her own words.
Or imagine a colleague drops into the chair next to you and says, "This deadline is ridiculous." You could defend the planning, or agree loudly, or suggest a spreadsheet. You could also say, "Are you feeling stressed, and wanting recognition the amount of work you need to do to make this happen?" Notice that you have not taken a side. You have only shown that you heard what matters to him.
Empathy does not need perfect words. A short guess, a calm tone and a bit of silence do most of the work.
How can you practise empathy this week?
Keep it small. A few conversations are enough.
- Choose one conversation a day and wait for a pause before you respond.
- Offer one guess about a feeling and a need, as a question rather than a statement.
- Notice when you reach for one of the six habits above. There is nothing to fix. Just begin again.
This is much harder when you are upset yourself. If your own feelings are loud, give yourself some attention first. That is what self empathy is for.
Frequently asked questions
What is empathy in nonviolent communication?
In NVC, empathy is listening for the feelings and needs behind what someone says, and letting them know you are trying to understand. It is a form of attention, not agreement. You do not have to approve, advise or solve anything for it to count.
How do you give empathy in NVC?
Pause before answering, then offer a guess about the other person's feeling and need, as a question. For example: are you feeling overwhelmed and wanting some support? They can correct you, and a wrong guess still helps them find their own words.
What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?
Sympathy usually says you feel sorry for someone. Empathy stays with what the person feels and needs, without judging it or trying to cheer them up. It often sounds like a careful guess rather than a statement, and the other person stays free to correct it.
Does empathy mean I have to agree with the other person?
No. You can understand what someone feels and needs without agreeing with their view or approving of what they did. Empathy is about being heard, not about being right. Your own view can be shared later, once the other person feels understood.
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