During a individual session, I guided a participant through the Yes/No Dance, a process developed by Gina Lawrie and Bridget Belgrave and inspired by the work of Marshall Rosenberg.
He was caught in a decision that had been going around and around in his head. Part of him wanted to say yes to an opportunity that would bring something he really wanted. Another part wanted to say no because of what it would cost him in time, energy, and other things that mattered to him.
And both sides had plenty to say.
You should do it. You might not get another chance.
This is too much. You already have enough on your plate.
What if you regret saying no?
Why do you always take on too much?
This is often what happens when we’re facing a difficult decision. We try to work out which voice is right. We make lists of pros and cons. We argue with ourselves. And sometimes, the more we think about it, the less clear we become.
In the Yes/No Dance, we do something different. Instead of trying to decide straight away, we slow down and listen to what each side is trying to take care of.
As we explored his yes, needs began to emerge: perhaps growth, adventure, contribution, meaning. When we gave space to his no, other needs became visible: rest, balance, choice, care for himself and the relationships already asking for his attention.
Suddenly, neither side was the problem. Both were trying to protect something important.
By the end of the process, he still didn’t have a neat answer. What had changed was that the original yes-or-no question no longer felt so urgent. He could see that there were many more possibilities than the two he had been wrestling with. He left with a sense of spaciousness and trust that he could find a way forward that cared for more of what mattered to him.
This is one of the things I love about NVC. Sometimes clarity doesn’t come from thinking harder about what should I do? It comes from becoming curious about what matters to me on both sides?
The next time you find yourself caught between yes and no, you might try leaving the decision alone for a moment. Ask yourself instead: What am I wanting to care for if I say yes? And what am I wanting to care for if I say no?
You may discover that both sides have something important to tell you.
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