Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
A language that puts the heart in communication
In short
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of relating to ourselves and others that is rooted in compassion, honesty and connection. It helps us slow down and find words that more closely match what is happening inside us, while also listening for what matters beneath another person’s words and actions. With practice, NVC can change how we meet conflict, express ourselves, listen to others and relate to ourselves — at home, at work and in everyday life.
Listening with the heart
Learning Nonviolent Communication is like learning a new language — a new language that puts the heart in communication and leads to more clarity, connection, and compassion in our lives. We learn to listen in a way that brings our focus not to the words people use, but to the “needs” or “values” behind their words, even when they speak in ways we find painful or distancing. By focusing on these needs or values, we are able to stay open and in contact.
Also, we learn to express ourselves in a way that keeps other people’s hearts open so they are able to hear our messages and understand what is important to us. Learning this new language profoundly changes the way we relate to the people around us, whether it is in business, school or our personal relationships.
From hierarchy to cooperation
Practically, we learn to apply a four-step model for this, which was developed by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. He saw Nonviolent Communication as a key to shifting the world’s power structures from hierarchical to cooperative structures.
The hierarchical structures in government, schools, businesses and homes, he discovered, are partly kept in place by the language we use. By changing our language, we can improve how we relate to others and transform the environments we live and work in.
What NVC is, and what it is not
NVC is not a way to convince someone or find the “right” words so they will do what you want. It is not a script to follow word for word, nor is it about being “nice” or avoiding difficult conversations. NVC is about getting in touch with your feelings and what matters to you, speaking from the heart, and listening more closely to others.
At first, the words and ways of expressing yourself may feel unfamiliar. With practice, they become more natural and increasingly your own.
Four elements for expressing yourself with honesty and care
Observation
What happened, without judgement?
Separating what we saw or heard from our interpretations or assumptions can create more openness and less defensiveness. It gives us a shared place to begin.
Read the articleFeeling
What feelings are alive in me?
Naming our feelings helps us come closer to our inner experience and communicate from vulnerability rather than blame or judgement.
Read the articleNeed
What matters to me?
Connecting our feelings to our needs helps us understand what is really important to us. Recognising the needs underneath other people’s words and actions can also open the door to compassion and connection.
Read the articleRequest
What would help, right now?
Making a clear request brings our needs into the here and now and shows what might contribute to them. When there is genuine room for a yes or a no, we invite cooperation rather than demand it.
Read the articleListening with empathy, speaking honestly
Empathic listening
Listen for the feelings and needs underneath someone’s words and give your full attention to what is happening for them. Empathy is being present and curious about another person’s experience, without judging, analysing, advising or trying to fix anything.
Read the articleSelf-Connection and Honest expression
Say what is true for you in a way that keeps the other person's heart open. It starts with listening to yourself first: what am I feeling, and what do I need? From that connection with yourself, you can express what matters to you with honesty and care, without blame or criticism.
Read the articleNVC in your life
Relationships and family
Come closer again after a quarrel, say no with care, and listen to your partner or your children without taking it personally.
Work and teams
Give feedback people can hear, handle tension in a meeting and work together without blame.
School and education
Support students and teachers with a language of needs instead of rewards and punishments.
Conflict and mediation
Understand what each person needs, so a solution can be found that works for everyone involved.
From first steps to a steady practice
Level 1 Foundation
Learn and practise the foundations in a small group. No experience needed.
Level 2
Deepen and practise what you learned, with more real life situations.
Level 3
Deepen your practice further, with the support of the group.
Read and practise
Level 1 Foundation
How to say something difficult to a family member with the NVC Four Steps
A story from a Foundation Course about slowing down a tense moment with the four steps, and finding honest words that keep the other person's ears and heart open.
Needs in NVC: What Are Needs and How Do You Find Yours?
What are needs in Nonviolent Communication? Learn how needs differ from strategies, which needs we all share, and how to find yours with a short exercise.
Observation vs Evaluation in NVC: How to Observe Without Judging
Learn the difference between observation and evaluation in NVC. Try the camera test, see everyday examples and practice observing without judgment this week.
Level 2
From Half-Yes to Full Choice: A Pathway to Liberation
Do you often tell yourself you have to or should? Try the Pathway to Personal Liberation to reconnect with choice and the needs behind what you do.
From Inner Conflict to Inner Understanding
Stuck on a difficult decision? Discover how the Yes/No Dance helps you explore the needs behind both your yes and your no, so more choices appear.
Raising Children with Compassion: Beyond Punishment and Rewards
Children show us where we are connected to life and where we are stuck in old habits. A look at power with, punishment and reward, guilt and shame, and protective use of force.
Questions about NVC
Ready to explore NVC?
Begin with the free intro workshop, or get in touch to find out what fits you.