Using NVC in Conflict and Mediation: When Both People Need to Be Heard

Two colleagues have been arguing about the same shared project for weeks. One says the other never communicates. The other says the first one controls everything. Both are tired, and both are convinced that if the other person would just listen, things would be fine. Does this sound familiar?

Conflict is rarely about who is right. Usually it is about two people who each want something that matters to them and who have stopped believing the other one cares. In this article we look at how Nonviolent Communication (NVC) can help in that moment, where it falls short, and how a mediator works with it.

What is the difference between a position and a need?

A position is what you demand: "You have to tell me before you change the plan." A need is what sits underneath: perhaps predictability, respect, or a sense that your work counts. Positions tend to collide. Needs, once they are named, are often much easier to hold side by side.

Imagine two neighbours in a dispute about a shared garden fence. One wants it replaced this month, the other refuses to pay. Those are two positions, and there is no way to meet in the middle of "yes" and "no". But one of them may be longing for privacy and safety for a small child, and the other may be worried about money at a time when everything feels uncertain. Those two needs do not fight each other. Now there is something to talk about.

This is the heart of NVC in conflict: we slowly move from "who is right" to "what matters to each of us". It takes patience, because people rarely start with their needs. They start with accusations, and accusations often hide something tender.

How does NVC help when both people want to be heard?

When both people are waiting for their turn to speak, nobody listens. A common pattern in NVC is that one person is heard first, until they actually feel understood, and only then does the second person speak. That sounds simple. In practice it is hard, because listening to someone whose view you dislike takes real effort.

Listening this way does not mean you agree. It means you try to hear the feelings and needs behind the words, and you check whether you understood them. You can read more about this in our article on empathy in NVC. Something like: "Are you worried that your plans get changed without you knowing, and you need to be able to count on things?" The other person can say yes, or correct you. Either way they feel taken seriously.

Then it is your turn, and you express yourself honestly: what you observed, how you feel, what you need, and what you would like to ask. Often the atmosphere has already changed by then. People are more willing to listen once they have been heard themselves.

Can you stay calm enough to do this?

Not always, and that is fine. When your heart is racing, you will probably not be able to listen with an open mind. This is where self empathy comes in. Before you try to understand the other person, you give yourself a few minutes to notice what is going on in you: the anger, the fear, the need to be seen.

Take a mother and her teenage son who argue every evening about the phone. She is angry and he is defensive. If she pauses first and realises that underneath her anger she needs trust and some rest in the evening, she can say that, instead of saying "you are impossible". The conversation that follows will be different. It is not guaranteed to be easy, but it starts from a different place.

When does NVC not help, or not enough?

It is important to be honest here. NVC is not a tool for every situation, and using it in the wrong situation can do harm.

• When there is danger. If someone feels unsafe, or there is violence or threat, the first step is safety, not a conversation about needs.
• When there is a big difference in power. A boss and an employee, or a parent and a young child, do not stand on equal ground. Asking the weaker person to be vulnerable and open may put them at risk.
• When there is trauma. Talking directly with someone who hurt you can overwhelm you. Support from a professional comes first.
• When one person does not want to take part. NVC is an invitation. You cannot force it, and a conversation that is forced is not connection.

In these cases, NVC may still help you privately, for example to understand your own feelings. But it does not replace protection, legal help or therapy. And it does not remove a real conflict of interest. Sometimes two people have needs that cannot both be fully met, and the outcome is a compromise that nobody loves. NVC helps people reach that point with more respect, not with more magic.

How does a mediator work differently?

When two people cannot manage the conversation alone, a mediator can hold the space. This person does not take sides and does not decide who is right. Their task is to help each person be heard and to help the two of them find solutions that work for both.

Cordelia is a CNVC certified trainer and a mediator. As described on her site, she usually starts with a separate conversation with each person, and brings them together after that. Meeting each person alone first gives everyone room to say what is really going on, without having to defend themselves in front of the other.

A mediator who knows NVC listens for the needs beneath the positions and may reflect them back, so both people can hear what the other is actually saying. She also pays attention to what is not safe or not fair, and speaks up about it. If you want to know what a first step could look like, you can read about individual and duo sessions.

What can you try yourself before asking for help?

You do not have to wait for a mediator. A few small things you can try this week:

1. Before the conversation, ask yourself what you need. Write it down in one sentence that does not contain the other person's name.
2. Start by asking whether this is a good moment to talk. Timing matters more than most people think.
3. Listen first. Say back what you heard, and ask whether you got it right.
4. Make a clear, doable request for the next step, and make it possible for the other person to say no.

If it goes badly, that does not mean you failed. We are learning a new language, and conflict is the hardest place to practise it. In Level 3A we work with exactly these situations, and at the retreat in the Dordogne there is room to practise in a quiet setting, with time to slow down.

You are welcome to join us when it feels right, or to simply get in touch through the contact page with a question.