Feelings and Thoughts: Understanding the difference in NVC

You send a message to a friend, and hours go by without a reply. Later, you tell someone, "I feel ignored."

Most of us have said something like this at some point. And we probably know how painful that experience can be.

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), we make a distinction between feelings and thoughts or interpretations. Exploring this difference can help us understand ourselves better and communicate what's happening for us in ways that invite connection.

What is the difference between a feeling and a thought in NVC?

Feelings tell us something about our inner experience. We might feel sad, nervous, excited, frustrated or relieved. These emotions can also be accompanied by physical sensations, such as tightness in our chest, warmth in our body or a knot in our stomach.

Thoughts are the ideas, judgments and interpretations we have about ourselves, other people and what happens around us.

In everyday language, we often use the word feel for both. We might say, "I feel that you don't care" or "I feel like nobody listens to me."

These expressions are familiar, and people generally understand what we mean. In NVC, however, we become curious about what feelings might be underneath these thoughts.

What about expressions like "I feel ignored"?

When someone says, "I feel ignored," they may be experiencing sadness, loneliness, hurt or frustration. At the same time, the word ignored tells us something about how the person is interpreting what happened.

Perhaps their friend was busy, distracted or dealing with something difficult. We don't necessarily know. In NVC, we might explore what is happening underneath the experience of feeling ignored.

For example, someone might discover that they're feeling lonely because they're longing for connection, or hurt because they would love to know that they matter to their friend.

This can help us connect with what's important to us and express ourselves in a way that makes it easier for others to understand our experience.

How can we recognise the difference between feelings and thoughts?

One way to explore this is to notice what comes after the words "I feel."

When we say "I feel sad," "I feel anxious" or "I feel excited," we're describing our emotional experience.

When we say "I feel that you're being unfair" or "I feel like nobody cares," we're expressing something we think or believe about a situation.

And when we use words such as ignored, rejected, judged or manipulated, we may be describing both a painful experience and our interpretation of another person's actions. We call these feelings that describe someone's behaviour pseudo feelings in NVC.

Rather than worrying about which words are correct, we can ask ourselves:

What other feelings am I feeling when I say I feel rejected? And what is important to me in this situation?

These questions can help us move from our thoughts about what happened towards a deeper understanding of ourselves.

What feelings and needs might be underneath these expressions?

Here are some expressions we commonly use, along with feelings and needs that might be underneath them.

These are possibilities, not definitions. The same expression can mean something very different to different people.

• "I feel ignored" — Perhaps lonely or sad, with a longing for connection or consideration.
• "I feel rejected" — Perhaps hurt or disappointed, wanting belonging or acceptance.
• "I feel misunderstood" — Perhaps frustrated or discouraged, longing for understanding or clarity.
• "I feel manipulated" — Perhaps anxious or wary, wanting trust, honesty or freedom of choice.
• "I feel disrespected" — Perhaps angry or hurt, wanting respect or consideration.
• "I feel abandoned" — Perhaps frightened or lonely, longing for support or security.
• "I feel used" — Perhaps resentful or exhausted, wanting mutuality or reciprocity.
• "I feel judged" — Perhaps tense or insecure, wanting acceptance or understanding.
• "I feel pressured" — Perhaps anxious or overwhelmed, wanting autonomy or space.
• "I feel unappreciated" — Perhaps disappointed or discouraged, wanting recognition or to know that our contribution matters.

There is no single correct translation for any of these expressions. What matters is discovering what is true for the person experiencing them.

Why does this distinction matter in our relationships?

Imagine a parent whose teenager comes home much later than they agreed.

The parent might say, "I feel disrespected when you come home late."

Perhaps they're angry, worried or frightened. Perhaps they value trust, cooperation and knowing that their child is safe.

If the parent can connect with those feelings and needs, they might express themselves differently:

"I was really worried when you came home an hour later than we'd agreed, because I wanted to know you were safe."

This gives the teenager an opportunity to hear what is happening for their parent, without first having to respond to the idea that they've been disrespectful.

Of course, expressing our feelings and needs doesn't guarantee that the other person will listen or respond as we'd like. But it can make it easier for us to understand each other and have a conversation about what matters to both of us.

Do we always need to use the 'right' feeling words?

Absolutely not.

NVC isn't about monitoring every word we say or correcting other people's language. We don't want to become the NVC police, pointing out whenever someone uses a thought instead of a feeling!

What matters is the intention behind our words and our willingness to understand ourselves and others.

For example, when someone tells us they feel rejected, we might wonder whether they're feeling sad and longing for acceptance, or perhaps frightened because they want reassurance that they belong.

We can bring the same curiosity to ourselves. When we notice a thought or interpretation, we can explore the feelings and needs underneath it.

How can you practice this week?

When you notice yourself saying "I feel that" or "I feel like", you might pause and ask what the feeling underneath could be. You could even keep a small note on your phone. Over time, you may become more aware of the difference between your thoughts and feelings, and discover how connecting with your feelings and needs can change the way you communicate.

Feelings and needs are part of the four steps of NVC, and we practice finding them together in the Level 1 Foundation course. You are welcome to join, or to start with the free two hour intro workshop.