Last weekend, while cleaning the house, I found myself getting increasingly frustrated. I hit my head on the corner of the closet, struggled with the vacuum hose as I tried to put it back into storage, and all the while, my mind was spiraling into judgments about my partner. He should be taking care of these things! It's his fault I’m frustrated. He’s supposed to be working but I hear him talking to a friend on the phone, while I’m slaving away, cleaning up the mess!
This storm of judgments stayed with me as I started cooking, and my energy reflected it. Pans clanged loudly, utensils fell to the floor, and my stress was palpable.
Suddenly, in the midst of this chaos, I had a moment of realization: There is no one else responsible for how I feel right now. My feelings are my own. My thoughts are my own. And I have choice in what I do with what is happening inside me.
I paused and asked myself, Do I want to continue like this? Am I enjoying myself? Does this serve me, or anyone else?
My answer was a clear no. And then I connected with something that was really important to me in that moment: choice. I am in choice about what I do. I asked myself, Do I want to take a break? Do I want to sit down? Shall I take a walk? And after checking in with myself, I realised that I actually wanted to cook. Really wanted to. I wanted to continue, this time with a sense of calm and choice rather than frustration and blame.
My emotional state shifted when I took ownership of what was happening in me. I no longer needed my partner to notice my struggles or fix anything. Interestingly, he had come to check on me earlier, saying, “I hear noises. Do you need support?” At the time, I had responded, “No, I’m just frustrated,” but I wasn’t yet connected to what was happening within me.
Through this process of self-connection, I came back to my awareness of choice. No one is forcing me to clean the bedroom. No one is forcing me to cook. These are my choices.
And somehow, remembering that changed everything. Taking ownership of my choices felt liberating. It reminded me that even when I can’t choose everything that happens around me, I can reconnect with myself, listen to what matters to me, and choose how I want to respond.
If you’d like to explore how Nonviolent Communication can support you in moving from (self-)criticism and blame towards greater self-connection, choice and care, you’re welcome to join me in one of my free workshops or courses.
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