Recently I visited a friend with my husband. Her ex-partner, and father of her youngest child, also came to visit. He and my husband are good friends. There we were, the four of us, having tea and a chat. The atmosphere was relaxed and we shared some details of our lives. Then we decided to do sharing: 5 minutes per person, silent listening, followed by the possibility to hear the impact of what you shared on the others. How did what we share touch them?
We spent close to an hour doing this together. The atmosphere in the room was still relaxed, but now we were slowed down and sharing on a deeper level, connecting on a deeper level. By holding space for one-another listening silently, and hearing the impact of our words on each other's hearts, we entered a space that reminds me of the energy in the room after a birth. (I used to be a doula, so I am familiar with this.) I call it an oxytocin high: a love energy, soft and warm, that emanated from and between us.
We wrapped up the afternoon with warm hugs and good-byes, all expressing how grateful we were for the time we spent together, beyond chit-chat and information sharing.
Try it yourself: Silent Listening
You can try a simpler version of what we did with a friend, partner, family member, or a small group. The invitation is to give each person some uninterrupted space to speak, while everyone else listens.
Choose a time that works for everyone and decide how many minutes each person will have. I recommend somewhere between three and seven minutes. Set a timer so the person speaking doesn’t have to keep track of the time.
When it’s your turn, share whatever is alive in you. It might be something happening in your life, thoughts that have been occupying you, feelings or body sensations, something you’re celebrating or struggling with, or simply whatever comes when you slow down and give yourself space. You can look at the others, close your eyes, look down, whatever helps you stay connected with yourself while you speak.
While someone else is sharing, listen silently. No questions, advice, reassurance, or responses. Notice if you have an impulse to help, comment, ask something, or share a similar experience of your own, and see if you can let that go for now and return your attention to the person speaking.
When the timer goes, take a moment before moving on to the next person. Continue until everyone who wants to has had a turn.
You may want to take time at the end to share how it was to do this together.
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